Friday, March 26, 2010

I die continually until I live with you


I live, but not in myself,
and I have such hope
that I die because I do not die.

1. I no longer live within myself
and I cannot live without God,
for having neither him nor myself
what will life be?
It will be a thousand deaths,
longing for my true life
and dying because I do not die.
2. This life that I live
is no life at all,
and so I die continually
until I live with you;
hear me, my God:
I do not desire this life,
I am dying because I do not die.
3. When I am away from you
what life can I have
except to endure
the bitterest death known?
I pity myself,
for I go on and on living,
dying because I do not die.
4. A fish that leaves the water
has this relief:
the dying it endures
ends at last in death.
What death can equal my pitiable life?
For the longer I live, the more drawn out is my dying.
5. When I try to find relief
seeing you in the Sacrament,
I find this greater sorrow:
I cannot enjoy you wholly.
All things are affliction
since I do not see you as I desire,
and I die because I do not die.
6. And if I rejoice, Lord,
in the hope of seeing you,
yet seeing I can lose you
doubles my sorrow.
Living in such fear
and hoping as I hope,
I die because I do not die.
7. Lift me from this death,
my God, and give me life;
do not hold me bound
with these bonds so strong;
see how I long to see you;
my wretchedness is so complete
that I die because I do not die.
8. I will cry out for death
and mourn my living
while I am held here
for my sins.
O my God, when will it be
that I can truly say:
now I live because I do not die?
-- St John of the Cross

1 comment:

aspiring... said...

"I no longer live within myself and I cannot live without God, for having neither him nor myself what will life be?... I die because I do not die. When will it be that I live because I do not die?"

So very complex and I don't understand it all. Nor can I. Is it discussing the emptying of oneself of self, and then feeling or being abandoned by God as well? The dejection and cause for it would seem at odds with the goal and expectations and means of a Carmelite as expressed by St. Teresa of the Andes in your sidebar. But I know it isn't. Is it, instead, an integral part of the process of sanctification of self for the benefit of the Church? A time of crucifixion in that process, being without God? (I'm not asking you so much as I'm asking myself; just thinking.)

I do lift in prayer those who sanctify themselves on behalf of the world and Church, in petition for consolation and for seeing Him as each desires. His will be done. †